As we fall back into the trap of the past, we must remind ourselves that...
What's done is done. But what if it happened differently? If only A had done X, or if B had not wronged Y, then maybe C would be on it's way to Z. Whatever the case may be, my experiences have taught me just what a waste of time replaying it out, really is.
All you can do is fully focus on what is right in front of you, and not get lost in what is behind you nor what lies ahead. Life has it's natural progression. As my Mother once said, be studious when it's time to be a student; be hard-working when it's time to perform; be extreme when it's time to play. She emphasized the importance of doing things in order and not losing sight of what was important at the moment. Wishing you are doing something while you are supposed to do another will get you stuck in the position you don't want to be in. And all those who focused on the right thing at the right time will succeed over you.
The order of operations may be important. But what is equally important, if not more, is the concept of follow through and completion. If there are loose ends that need to be tied up, they should be. Those left undone could really cause more damage than one could ever imagine.
Even with this optimistic attitude, sometimes I still wish I could turn back the hands of time to make amends. But the fact is simple, we just can't go back. Those lessons, although extremely saddening, are what changes us and moves us. They are precious to life.
May every bitterswet parting be annointed with serenity and forgiveness...
"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
You Can Save What's Left
During lunch today, an interesting article about marriage caught my attention. Given it was written for someone who was married, I changed all the "marriage" references so it could be interpreted more universally (for the young adult age group).
Coming from a broken family sometimes jades you into thinking that as soon as something goes wrong, you need to see results right away; otherwise the relationship isn't worth keeping. But reading these 10 questions can help salvage a relationship that isn't beyond repair.
>>>
But what is a good-enough relationship? Or, as Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After 40 (Renaissance), would have me ask: "Can I make my relationship good enough?" After interviewing several experts**, I've uncovered ten questions you can ask yourself to help clarify whether or not your relationship, albeit imperfect, is worth a good go:
1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.
2. Have you already left the relationship by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?
3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do?
4. If you're frustrated because your boyfriend won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (For example, perhaps your father never stood up for you when you needed him to do so.)
5. Have you been teaching your boyfriend the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)
6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your relationship for more play?
7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?
8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?
9. Has something occurred — a death, a big birthday, a job loss — that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?
10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this relationship work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a relationship-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?
<<< (Article exerpt courtesy of msn.com, with changes to all references of marriage)
Coming from a broken family sometimes jades you into thinking that as soon as something goes wrong, you need to see results right away; otherwise the relationship isn't worth keeping. But reading these 10 questions can help salvage a relationship that isn't beyond repair.
>>>
But what is a good-enough relationship? Or, as Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After 40 (Renaissance), would have me ask: "Can I make my relationship good enough?" After interviewing several experts**, I've uncovered ten questions you can ask yourself to help clarify whether or not your relationship, albeit imperfect, is worth a good go:
1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.
2. Have you already left the relationship by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?
3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do?
4. If you're frustrated because your boyfriend won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (For example, perhaps your father never stood up for you when you needed him to do so.)
5. Have you been teaching your boyfriend the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)
6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your relationship for more play?
7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?
8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?
9. Has something occurred — a death, a big birthday, a job loss — that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?
10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this relationship work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a relationship-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?
<<< (Article exerpt courtesy of msn.com, with changes to all references of marriage)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
It's All About Approach
This site is obviously dedicated to those moments I catch myself in "over-thought". So I'll leave my thoughts as generic and applicable to most situations as possible.
Sometimes the difference between success is how you approach the situation at hand. No matter how sticky and how bad the circumstances may be, being cautious not to strike the wrong chord or speak the wrong words make all the difference in resolving an issue.
I suppose it appears common sense to most to be cautious with wordchoice when the situation is delicate and could easily rupture someone's ego. The tone and wordchoice dictate the difference between whether a thought is carried out as an attack or if you are handling it a rational matter instead.
EH noted in regards to my 'I swear to god we'll be alright if you put your weapon down' status message, that "when two people are hostile the argument gets no where, when one person is hostile the other person caves due to aggression...overall it may build resentment".
Using a careful approach, generally with words, and portrayal of tone, are keys to conquering any situation, no matter how difficult.
Peace and harmony versus rage and aggression. It's an obvious no-brainer which team wins.
Sometimes the difference between success is how you approach the situation at hand. No matter how sticky and how bad the circumstances may be, being cautious not to strike the wrong chord or speak the wrong words make all the difference in resolving an issue.
I suppose it appears common sense to most to be cautious with wordchoice when the situation is delicate and could easily rupture someone's ego. The tone and wordchoice dictate the difference between whether a thought is carried out as an attack or if you are handling it a rational matter instead.
EH noted in regards to my 'I swear to god we'll be alright if you put your weapon down' status message, that "when two people are hostile the argument gets no where, when one person is hostile the other person caves due to aggression...overall it may build resentment".
Using a careful approach, generally with words, and portrayal of tone, are keys to conquering any situation, no matter how difficult.
Peace and harmony versus rage and aggression. It's an obvious no-brainer which team wins.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Control Freak
I think no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that letting go of the control is critical in achieving happiness, I've "held on" to many things that I know are out of my control.
But today I was shown once AGAIN, the true meaning of letting go of control. By example, I was shown through an email just how simple it really is.
IM put it like this: it doesn't mean if someone else feels bad because of you that it is your duty to feel guilt for it. You simply address the issue, and clarify what the intention was. And then you leave it at that, whereas I would have assumed responsbility for causing the negative feeling.
I realized that it doesn't mean if someone feels bad that you should immediately try to take it in your hands and control the outcome of how they feel. Sometimes it really is out of our control. By changing your action you may or may have not had an impact on the person.
We have no control over someone else's feelings and if it really isn't something you intended, then standing your ground to understand and clarify for the "supposed victim" is all you can really do. It's once you back down and doubt yourself that the trouble starts.
But today I was shown once AGAIN, the true meaning of letting go of control. By example, I was shown through an email just how simple it really is.
IM put it like this: it doesn't mean if someone else feels bad because of you that it is your duty to feel guilt for it. You simply address the issue, and clarify what the intention was. And then you leave it at that, whereas I would have assumed responsbility for causing the negative feeling.
I realized that it doesn't mean if someone feels bad that you should immediately try to take it in your hands and control the outcome of how they feel. Sometimes it really is out of our control. By changing your action you may or may have not had an impact on the person.
We have no control over someone else's feelings and if it really isn't something you intended, then standing your ground to understand and clarify for the "supposed victim" is all you can really do. It's once you back down and doubt yourself that the trouble starts.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Beauty of the Disconnect
Til this day, I still find it fascinating how misread women are to men and vis versa. The disconnect has always been intriguing to me and the art of reconciling between the two creatures has recently become a popular topic for me to think about.
I do see a trend that men and women these days fall into the trap of what their specific roles in society SHOULD be, versus what they really desire to behave like. Women are perceived more typically as damsels in distress, hence they are quick to overcompensate and refuse help, act seemingly more independent than they really are, and prove that they can make themselves happy just by their lonesome selves. And men on the other hand have always been put in a position to be emotionally sturdy for their counterparts, firm in judgment, "emotional-little", and simple. Therefore, when they see their lady in need they won't go and search the emotional depths of their women; they'll keep it simple and take the woman's action for face value, even when they know better.
The beauty of this disconnect is that when the two find themselves in it, once the topic resurfaces and is talked about, more often than not, they can agree to disagree. But almost more than likely, they'll take into consideration what the other has voiced and approach the situation differently in the future.
I do see a trend that men and women these days fall into the trap of what their specific roles in society SHOULD be, versus what they really desire to behave like. Women are perceived more typically as damsels in distress, hence they are quick to overcompensate and refuse help, act seemingly more independent than they really are, and prove that they can make themselves happy just by their lonesome selves. And men on the other hand have always been put in a position to be emotionally sturdy for their counterparts, firm in judgment, "emotional-little", and simple. Therefore, when they see their lady in need they won't go and search the emotional depths of their women; they'll keep it simple and take the woman's action for face value, even when they know better.
The beauty of this disconnect is that when the two find themselves in it, once the topic resurfaces and is talked about, more often than not, they can agree to disagree. But almost more than likely, they'll take into consideration what the other has voiced and approach the situation differently in the future.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Finding Joy
Let go of everything you cannot change, and focus on what you can control. It is then that you will lead a life of joy.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
